You've Done Some Truly Terrible Things
by parker08
Summary: Severus Snape survived the war. With that, he finds that he's suddenly a hero and still has several responsibilities such as continuing to be the headmaster of Hogwarts school all whilst dealing with his new injuries and emotions. AU. Non canon compliant.
1. Waking up in Hogwarts

All characters in this story belong to JK Rowling. Rated M for strong language and possible scenes of a sexual nature.

Severus woke up slowly, the hospital room was dark around him. He peered into the I darkness. The beds around him were all lined with bodies. He was drawn suddenly to the pain in his neck. He tried to lift his head but couldn't move. He couldn't work out the time but knew he must have been asleep a while.

He had collapsed gazing into Lily's (or rather Harry's eyes) and had stopped breathing. When he had next opened his eyes, the eyes he saw were yellow not green. And crying. Fawkes leant against his neck, weeping into his wounds. His neck slowly started to knit together. The pain was unbearable and he'd quickly passed out again.

He gazed around the room. The body on the nearest bed was small, belonging to Dennis Creevey. He was only in his fourth year, he shouldn't have been involved in the battle at all. His stomach turned. He had no idea of the outcome. He wanted to get up and find out but he could hardly move his arm, let alone his entire body. He guessed Voldemort must have left the school though. There was no sound. The castle seemed peaceful.

He reached onto the table next to his bed, hoping to find his wand. It wasn't there. He groaned. He was very hungry and needed to void his bladder. He reached up to touch his neck. It was agony as he got near. He tried to close his eyes and go back to sleep. Somewhere in the distance he could hear the clock chime. It was 3am.  
His brain finally started to kick in. He was remembering where he had last been. Potter had taken his memories but whether or not he had made it to the castle was unclear. The battle had certainly been going on when he had stirred in Fawkes presence but it had clearly ended now, one way or another. What had happened to Potter? Had he died as Dumbledore said he would? He tried to lift his head to see who else was in the ward but it wasn't possible. He called out in the night as the pain overwhelmed him.

He closed his eyes and gritted his teeth, forcing himself to be silent.

"Severus," Madam Pomfrey's voice came gently. "Are you awake?"

He could barely bear to face her. He wondered what everyone had been saying about him after he had jumped through the window to rejoin Voldemort.

He slowly opened his eyes and looked up at her.

"Oh thank goodness, we thought you might not reawaken," she pressed her hand against his clammy forehead. "How do you feel?"

"Hungry," he told her, refusing to admit the agony he was also feeling.

"Right, well let's get you food," she smiled and bustled off before he could ask her anything else.

He ran his hand over his face, feeling the damp sweat all over it. He'd obviously been sleeping fitfully, dreams of the battle haunting him.

Madam Pomfrey returned around 10 minutes later, also accompanied by Professor McGonagall.

"Minerva," he croaked as she arrived. His mind was immediately filled with a vision of him casting curse after curse at her. "I'm so sorry."

"Severus," she gently stoked his hair. "We're all so glad you're alright."

"What happened? Who won?" He said immediately.

"Severus, I want you to drink this," Poppy said gently easing him up a little on his pillows.

He reached out to take the potion. "What is it?" He asked, without bothering to sniff it for himself.

"It's a blood replenishing potion. You must drink it."

He gulped the potion down as quickly as he could. It wasn't pleasant, but he could cope with it. What he couldn't seem to cope with was the truth that everyone seemed to be avoiding.

"So what happened?" he asked again.

"We won. He's dead," McGonagall told him.

"Really?" he tried to sit up. Poppy pushed him back down as gently as she could.

"Yes it's over," McGonagall replied.

"What happened to Potter?" he asked, hardly daring to hear the answer.

"He's fine, he killed Voldemort himself," McGonagall was clearly trying to be soothing.

Severus fell back on his pillows, finally feeling he could relax.

"How do you feel?" McGonagall asked him.

"Shit," he told her honestly. "How many are dead?"

"We've got a lot of casualties. Families are sorting things out this morning," McGonagall told him gently. "You need to rest though."

"I should go and apologise. I've been headmaster for the last year," his eyes started to prickle.

"Listen, Severus, this wasn't your fault. This was going to happen sooner or later," she soothed him.

"I should be dead," he said, tears starting to flow down his face.

"No you shouldn't," she stroked his hair again. "You need to rest; we'll work this out in the morning. I have to go, Severus, there's people still arriving." Severus saw how weary she looked.

"Thank you for coming to see me," he spluttered.

"I'm pleased you're alive," she smiled at him, sweeping out the hospital wing.

"Here have this," Poppy passed him some toast.

He burst into a fresh set of tears and was shaking.

"I can't do this anymore," he told her.

"Severus, it's over," she squeezed his shoulder gently.

"Not for me it's not," he sobbed again.

"Try and eat this and get some sleep," she repeated. "Try not to dredge things up now."

He took one piece of toast and had a bite out of it before irritably throwing it aside.

"I'm sorry," he muttered. "I don't cry."

"It's to be expected," she took the plate of toast from him and set it on the bedside cabinet.

"Can you help me to the bathroom? I have to pee," he said quietly.

"I'll get you something you can go here," she said quickly hurrying off.

This is is going to be embarrassing he thought. They'd worked together for years. It was so humiliating, not only was he injured but he had to be physically ashamed too.

Poppy was back quickly. She carefully eased the covers off him and placed a bed pan near him, turning away allowing him to relieve himself in private. He felt grateful for her giving this dignity.

She took the bed pan off him.

"Now try and get to some sleep," she spoke to him carefully. "I'll be around in the morning."

He was stood in the Shrieking Shack again. Voldemort was talking to him. Only this time he knew Potter was there. He raised his wand, this time pointing it at Potter, not Snape. "Avada Kedav-"

Snape woke up suddenly, for the first time sat up unaided and vomited down himself. He was coughing and spluttering as Madam Pomfrey made her way over to him.

Everyone who was awake on the ward was staring at him. Poppy quickly drew the curtains around him.

"What happened?" she said, pulling the covers off him and balling them at the end of the bed.

"Nightmare," he shakily wiped his mouth on his sleeve.

"Let's take this off you," she said carefully lifting his shirt off over his head. As it passed his neck he yelped out at the pain.

She replaced his shirt with a clean t shirt and helped him lie back down.

He noticed his forearm for the first time. The mark, which had burned so brightly two nights ago was now a mass of scar tissue. The shape of the mark was still evident, but it was faded and aged. Noticing Poppy was looking, he tucked it self-consciously under the covers.

"Can I get you anything?" she asked.

"I'm fine," he muttered.

Severus awoke again a few hours later. Ritchie Coote, a Gryffindor boy, was heading over to his bed.

"Would you like the paper, sir?" Coote himself had one arm in a sling and cuts across his face. He seemed in some ways cheery but was clearly also in pain.

"Thanks," Snape mumbled.

HE WHO MUST NOT BE NAMED DEFEATED: SEVERUS SNAPE THE TRAGIC HERO

Severus furrowed his brow as he looked at the headline.

"Whilst everyone knows You Know Who was defeated on Saturday night, a perhaps less known fact is the hero who made it happen, writes Rita Skeeter. Severus Snape, Headmaster of Hogwarts school, it appears, has been the hero to orchestrate the entire operation. Whilst Harry Potter has been on the run for the past year, Snape has been busy plotting You Know Who's downfall."

Snape scoffed and folded the paper, chucking it onto the bedside cabinet. He looked up to see a familiar figure entering the hospital wing.

Harry Potter himself looked tired and unshaven but somewhat jubilant.

Severus wriggled and managed to get himself into a sitting position again.

"Professor Snape," Harry smiled.

"Harry Potter, man of the hour," he managed to smile back at him. He realised this was the first time he had ever given Potter a genuine smile.  
Harry held out his hand for Snape to shake, which he took shakily and gave him the firmest hand shake he could manage.

"You look tired," Snape commented.

"You should see yourself," Harry grinned back.

"Well I guess I should thank you," Snape said seriously.

"I should thank you, I never knew," Harry said. "Listen, I'm so sorry for giving you such a hard time. I didn't realise what you did for me. For everything you did for years. I really am grateful." His words tumbled out.

"I'm a terrible person, Potter, don't doubt that. I wanted you to survive though. After everything you went through, you deserved that."

"So you do care?" Harry asked almost as though the question had been troubling for years, although in reality it could only have been a few hours. "I saw in the memory, I didn't know."

"Well I didn't for years. You annoyed me." He put it lightly, given the circumstances. "I just saw James whenever I looked at you. And then I guess I started to see, you're more like Lily than I thought," he choked a little. Don't cry in front of Potter, he told himself.

"So you care now?"

"I guess I suppose so. When I thought you had to die, it just.. I'm sorry I'm a mess," he mumbled, looking down.

"Look, I'll leave you to rest," Harry said, quickly standing up. "I'd like to talk again at some stage. If you're up to it."  
Snape nodded.

"I just wanted you to know, I am grateful. Wouldn't be here without you."

Snape nodded again, not trusting himself to speak and not cry.

He fell asleep again until well after lunch time. When he awoke most of ward was either resting or busy with visitors.

Severus decided to test out his feet for the first time and carefully started to move round and push his legs out of the bed. He managed to stand, although haphazardly, and started to take a slow walk towards the exit. Madam Pomfrey cornered him there.

"What are you doing?" She half shouted at him. "You can't get up yet!"

"I feel okay," he lied. Actually, he didn't feel okay, he was just desperate to be alone.

"You're staying here until at least this evening, I need your temperature to drop," she told him sternly.

He sighed. "Can I eat then?"

"Only if you promise not to vomit everywhere again," she half smiled at him.

He nodded firmly, and waited for her to fix him some bread and soup. When he was done eating he picked up the paper and continued to read it, using a quill to start solving the crossword. Well at least the entire wizarding world isn't in upheaval. Someone has time to sort out the Daily Prophet crossword. Madam Pomfrey came round, checking his temperature frequently.

Hermione Granger arrived at around 4. He glanced up as she arrived and assuming she was going elsewhere, turned back to 23 down.

"Sir?" she said uncertainly as she approached his bed.

He glanced up. "Oh, Miss Granger."

She looked a bit awkward.

"Can I hug you, or would that be inappropriate?" she asked him.

"You can, I don't know how clean-" He broke off mid sentence.

She wrapped her arms around him tightly and he used his right arm to pat her awkwardly on the back. He refused to get his left arm out and show her.

"You know I always believed that you weren't, you know, evil," she said pulling back from him.

"Well, I'm not a good person," he muttered awkwardly.

"You saved all our lives, you're so... lacking in confidence."

"I hear you didn't do so badly yourself," he glanced at her.

"I wasn't involved in that much of the battle," she looked almost ashamed. "I was down in the Chamber of Secrets."

"Well don't worry about it, I was having a little nap in the Shrieking Shack," he commented.

She grinned at him.

"So what were you doing down there?" he asked her.

"Well, Ron thought that we could use Basilisk fangs and um when we got down there, I kind of got together with him..." she trailed off blushing.

"About time!" He exclaimed rather louder than he intended, causing a couple of people to look round.

"I'm sorry?" Hermione looked surprised.

"Well about four years too late, but better late than never, eh?" Snape teased her gently. Not in the nasty way he usually teased her but in a genuinely good natured way.

"Yeah I wasn't sure... You know if it would ever happen. I guess you know the feeling with-" she immediately stopped, looking mortified. "Im sorry, I never meant, I shouldn't have-"

"It's fine," he said although he could feel his eyes prickling. Don't cry. Don't cry. What is wrong with you? Too many potions probably. "Any way, what did you want with Basilisk fangs?"

"To destroy the Horcruxes."

"I'm sorry, what now?" Snape looked at her puzzled.

"Oh, did Harry not tell you?" she asked. Snape shook his head. So she launched into an explanation of each of Voldemort's Horcruxes and how they had destroyed them.

"So that's what you needed the sword for?" Snape asked finally. "I thought, well I didn't know, I'm not told a lot..."

"Yeah, did you know what Horcruxes were?"

"Yes, yes, but I didn't know he had them."

"Dumbledore didn't tell you?"

"I don't think Dumbledore trusted me as much as he pretended to to the rest of the world..." Snape said quietly.

"Well he should have done. We all think you're pretty amazing."

"Well, you probably shouldn't. I mean I've always been on your side, but that doesn't make me a nice person."

"People become what they're treated as, I think that's pretty clear where that's come from from what Harry said."

"Well I treated you badly, you don't seem to be a bad person," he replied as though they were talking about the weather.

"Most people were nice to me though," she smiled at him. "It wasn't a barrage of torment."

"Ah I was okay," Snape said seriously. "Don't feel sorry for me."

She looked at him. He almost felt her pity. He urgently wanted to change the subject.

"Oo, do I look hot to you?" he said. Madam Pomfrey hadn't been round in a while to check his temperature.

"I'm sorry?" Hermione looked taken aback.

"I mean warm!" he half smiled at her. "Not like that!"

"Oh no, you look okay!" Hermione laughed, looking relieved that he hadn't just asked if she liked him. "You're quite cute though really when you smile."

He raised an eyebrow.

"I like your dimples."

"Yeah and that's exactly why I don't smile," he said, completely deadpan. "I don't like the idea people are talking about me as 'cute'"

She smiled and shook her head, standing up.

"I'll let you rest," she told him. She put her hand under his chin and pulled his face up to look at her. "See. Cute." She teased him.

"Tell that to anyone else and I will ensure you are no longer a celebrated hero," he raised his eyebrows at her. "Say hello to the boyfriend for me."  
As usual from the expression on her face, she couldn't tell if he was joking or not.

At 6pm, Poppy announced him officially ready to leave the hospital. Minerva came up to see him and brought with her his clean clothes. Poppy drew the screens round them and left them to it.

"Do you want to come and survey the damage?" Minerva asked him. "Seeing as your headmaster?"

"I'm not headmaster! That ship sailed!"

"Well, no one else wants the job and you were supposed to be when you did a runner," she told him. "So therefore it falls to you."

"Fuck that!" he exclaimed.

"Severus, I always admired your way with words," she said dryly.

He pulled his shirt off, wondering if she would look away. She didn't.

"You look very thin," she commented, looking at his bare chest.

"Well I haven't eaten for two days and leaked quite a bit the night before," he said, arching an eyebrow.

"That's more than two days," she said, trying to peer at his chest as he buttoned up his shirt.

He became increasingly aware she appeared to have no intention of looking away while he changed his pyjama bottoms so tucking one hand inside he covered his genitals and eased his trousers off too.

"Your legs are rather slim too," she said, looking concerned.

"Yes but the good news is, my cock's just fine," he said sarcastically. "Would you like to see that too?"

Minerva suddenly looked a bit awkward and turned away. "I'm sorry I didn't think!" she said quickly.

Snape slipped his boxers on and quickly pulled his trousers on, buckling them up hurriedly.

"Still it's okay," he said stung. "I suppose Poppy saw my dick when she changed me the other night. She can tell you."

"Well I don't suppose she was looking," Minerva said, looking mortified at the fact she had just watched her much younger colleague get changed.

He slipped into his robes, pulled back the screen and headed towards the hospital wing door, his neck aching despite the multitude of Potions Madam Pomfrey had forced down him during the day.

"I need to go to the bathroom," he told Minerva as they exited the hospital wing. "Want to watch?"

"Severus, grow up! I was just commenting on how skinny you are!" she snapped at him.

"Okay, I'm sorry," he replied. "It's just everyone knows about Lily now and are clearly talking about it. All my other secrets are on show for the world to see. I don't really want everyone talking about my genitals too."

Leaving the bathroom a few minutes later, he turned to Minerva and asked "Are there many people still here?"

"Yes, there's quite a few," she said gently. "But no one's going to attack you."

"Have you see my wand?" He asked. She glared at him. "No, no, not that! You know, my actual wand!" It was his turn to look mortified now.

"No sorry, I wonder if it's still in the Shrieking Shack? I could ask someone to take a look," she looked slightly concerned.

"No it's fine, I'll go later."

"You'll do no such thing!" She informed him. "You shouldn't really be up now, it's just people are expecting you to start telling us what to do."

Severus groaned. "I don't want this. I never wanted this. I shouldn't be in charge. I should be dead. I deserve to be." And he burst abruptly into tears.  
Minerva led him into a disused classroom.

"I'm sorry," he sobbed. "I'm on a lot of potions."

"Listen, Severus, people do respect you," she said, placing a hand on his arm. "People admire you for what you've done."

"I don't cry!" he told her. "And it hurts when I cry!" He was referring to his neck. He burst into a renewed set of wails.

"Calm down, get a grip on yourself," she rubbed his back as though he were a small child.

He started to wipe his eyes with the sleeve of his robes, trying to calm down enough to be presentable.

"I can't do this," he said finally. "They need to find another head."

"Well I'm sure we can in time," she said wiping stray tears off his face. "But for now it's you and I'm sure you're going to a good job."

"Because the last 12 months have told you nothing?" he said sardonically. "I'm shit at it. I know fuck all about being a headmaster. I'm a fucking waste of space and people seem to have this idea that I'm so sort of hero. I'm an arsehole. Im a nasty piece of work and the sooner people see that the better it'll be for everyone."

"Right, first of all Severus, I've know you since you were 11. You've had some horrible things happen to you and you have done some truly terrible things. You are not a bad person though. You've done a lot of good things as well. Regardless of what you've done for Potter, think about how you stood up to Umbridge. Think about how you defended the stone from Quirrell. Think about all the good things you've done. And you're going to do something good now. Be a strong headmaster and fix this school," she gripped his face. People kept touching him today, Minerva had stroked his hair earlier, Poppy had touched his forehead on many occasions, Hermione had hugged him and cupped his jaw and he'd been squeezed, prodded and poked numerous times. He couldn't even remember the last time he was touched before today.

"Fine, I'll try and get the school fixed," he said defiantly. "But then I don't want to be headmaster any more."

He shoved his hands deep in his pockets and strode towards the door.

"Don't walk with your hands in your pockets," Minerva followed him. "You look unfriendly and if you fall you're going to really hurt yourself."

He sighed and extracted his hands.

I hope you all enjoyed this. Please leave me a review if you did! Thank you for reading!


	2. Potions, Drugs and Other Stuff

Hi all, thank you for all the follows already! Please leave me a review if you're enjoying this!  
Warning: Adult themes throughout chapter.

Severus carefully picked his way through the corridor. There were bits of rubble strewn on the floor and portraits with their inhabitants burnt out of them. His body ached all over but he was desperate to see how the rest of the castle looked. What he hard heard wasn't promising at all.

He slowly started to trudge down the stairs.

"Is it all like this?" he asked Minerva nervously.

"It's mostly worse," she told him truthfully. "Are you sure you're up to this?"

"I'm fine," he said, quickly moving his hand down from his twinging neck. "How many people are down there?"

"Well a few of the stronger lads are shifting rubble like Neville and Oliver. Oh Severus," she grabbed his arm, making him stop.

"The Weasleys are down here, they lost Fred last night so just, you know, be tactful," she glanced at him.

"I'm always tactful," he argued.

"Well, you're not!" she told him helpfully. "In fact just be tactful with everyone, just in case." She nodded pointedly.

He eventually made it down to the bottom of the steps and stood in front of the Entrance Hall.

Around 100 students were stood assembled and they cheered as he came into view. Severus was taken aback and entirely uncomfortable. He relished solace above all else and certainly did not want to be gawped at by a large crowd. He became very conscious of the fact that he had a lot of wounds on his neck and was relieved his Mark was covered so no one could see that.

He nodded at the assembled crowd and managed to half smile and he descended the few steps into the Entrance Hall.

The area was wrecked. He glanced up at the ceiling where chunks were missing. The missing chunks were lined up around the walls. The stone statues were all gone, presumably having done battle and the whole floor and most of the walls were splattered with what was clearly blood. He felt a little nauseous as he looked around. It was worse than he could have possibly imagined. And they want me to do something about this?

Pansy Parkinson approached him. She was smiling sweetly at him. He fidgeted nervously. She embraced him as soon as she got near enough. He didn't move his arms to hug her back in any way.

She handed him a bouquet of pink roses and beamed widely.

"Of course, we all knew in Slytherin, you'd be the hero," she glanced sideways at Harry Potter who was stood on the edge of the hall.

"I didn't actually do anything," he said loud enough for the rest of the onlookers to hear.

"You think Potter could have managed it on his own?" her voice was condescending at best.

"Yes, I do," he said clearly.

"Well, I'm so proud of you," she moved in to kiss him on the cheek but he jolted backwards abruptly to avoid it. He moved on as quickly as he could.

"Oh isn't he perfect," he heard her breathe to another Slytherin girl. He wrinkled his nose and moved towards the door for the Great Hall.

He passed back the flowers to whom he thought was Minerva but actually turned out to be a blushing Ron Weasley.

Snape grinned at him. "Congratulations, you did a great job." Ron went scarlet. Harry was doubled over with laughter.

"Next time, you should really bring me something though," Snape teased good naturedly. "I hear I was pretty amazing the other night."

"Yeah when you were conscious you were really good," Professor Sprout chipped in.

"To be honest with you, if I wasn't conscious it was wrong," he smirked at her, too quietly for the students to hear.

"Well, we're all glad you're feeling better," she cleared her throat loudly.

Harry, who clearly had made out Snape's comment, looked somewhat amazed that he'd just said it. Snape himself was a little surprised he had said it here and immediately blamed the large concoction of potions he was on.

He finally opened the doors to the Great Hall. The room was ruined. There was even more blood splattered in here. There were bits of stone everywhere, chipped all over the floor. He looked guiltily up at the large hole in the main windows behind the staff table.

He saw the Weasleys stood near one of the walls, working on repairing some of the architecture. He guessed they wanted to distract themselves from what had happened to their family. He walked over feeling awkward but knew that he had to speak to them. After all he had been in the Order of the Phoenix with the Weasleys for years.

Bill greeted him first, shaking his hand firmly and thanking him for what he had done.

"I'm so sorry for your loss," Snape addressed the Weasley family overall. Clearly none of them really knew what to say.

"Thank you for looking after Harry," Mrs Weasley kissed him on the cheek and hugged him tightly. "He's like a son to me, I suppose he is to you too?"

"Er..." Snape stumbled, not wanting to upset her any more. "I see what you mean."

He walked around the hall, surveying the damage. All the intricate detail was gone and crumbled around the room.

He imagined his first day in this room. Walking in with all the other terrified first years. Watching Lily go to Gryffindor, sit near James Potter... His eyes filled with tears as he looked at the wreckage.

"My neck hurts," he lied to McGonagall. "I think I need my bed."

She carefully led him out the hall.

"I need a cigarette," he told her when they were out of earshot of the students.

"I thought you quit?" She asked him.

"Yeah.. I was stressed last year and started again."

They headed down to his old suite of rooms. He walked into his bedroom and found a box of cigarettes on the bedside cabinet.

"You're not going to smoke in here are you?" McGonagall asked him. "Because I don't want to stay if you are."

"No we'll head outside." He headed outside and went to sit on the steps of the viaduct with Minerva.

"I just don't know what to do," he said, lighting his cigarette and drawing in deeply.

"Well, you decide what you want done. Lots of people are willing to help out."

"I can't be in charge of this, I just can't."

"Yes you can, you're a good leader."

"I can't, it's my fault all of this happened. If I wasn't so useless, and I'd just I don't know..." he trailed off, tears starting to glisten in his eyes again.

"There's nothing you could have done," she said resting a hand on his back. "You stink by the way."

"I think I should just leave Hogwarts, get away."

"And who would that help?"

"I'm just so tired. I didn't want to do this. I wanted to help Potter but, I can't deal with who I've become. I've done horrible things this year," he placed his head between his knees.

"Yes we know, but we have to move on."

"My soul is destroyed. When I killed Dumbledore, everything was just ruined."

"But he asked you to do it," she reassured him. "You're not a murderer."

"Yes I am, and I've had to live with that for a year," he grabbed the cigarette box and lit another one.

"Severus, this is bad for you," she said, taking the packet so he couldn't have another one.

"Not the worst thing I've done this year," he assured her. "So I'm probably fine."

"You've not been smoking pot have you?" she asked him worriedly.

"No, I've not had weed for years. I tried ecstasy last year though. I don't know, it felt good."

"You really shouldn't have!" she exclaimed shocked.

"I just want to have sex," he didn't even care what McGonagall thought of him right now.

"Oh I thought that was a Death Eater thing? You know you all just have what you want?"

"You think I'd rape someone?" he stood up shocked. Suddenly he did care what she thought.

"No, n-no," she looked panicked.

"I've never, ever. That's disgusting," he looked horrified.

"I didn't think you would, I kind of meant use your position," she said awkwardly.

"I wouldn't do that either! How sick do you think I am?"

"Severus, I'm sorry! I made a mistake. I didn't mean it."

His bottom lip was wobbling. He was truly hurt by this comment.

"Severus, I didn't mean that at all, I don't think you're like that. I don't know what you've had to do to keep your cover."

"No you thought I put my needs before everyone else! And didn't care about anyone's feelings! So long as I cum I'm happy!"

"I'm sorry."

"I'm going to bed," he started up the steps.

She followed him down to his rooms. He turned round as they both stood in his study.

"I'm going to have a bath," he said coldly.

"I'll run it for you," she offered immediately.

"No, you should be out there talking to people."

"It's fine, I'll stay with you. I'm not sure you should be alone."

"What in case I try and rape someone?" he snapped at her.

"Severus, I know very little about that side of the Death Eaters. I never thought you'd want to do it. I just wasn't sure if you did."

"Well I don't, alright? I'd harm my own body to make myself feel better, but I would never intentionally harm anyone else!" he shouted at her.

"I'm sorry, Severus, I'm running you a bath."

He slipped down the wall and pulled his knees up to his chest, burying his face as soon as she closed the bathroom door.  
What were people saying about him? If someone he'd worked with for almost 20 years thought he would be capable of that goodness knows what people who didn't know him thought. They probably thought he was running around murdering people left, right and centre.

She appeared again around five minutes later.

"Come on, stand up," she said gently.

"I'm in too much pain for a bath, I'm going straight to bed. I'll wash in the morning, I don't have the energy."

"I've run it now. Go have a bath. I'll see you in the morning."

She clearly didn't want to stay with him then. He walked into the bathroom and started to slip off his clothes. It was the first time he'd actually been truly alone since he came round. He fully appreciated now how much pain he was in and the emotional turmoil he was experiencing. He sat in the bath and cried, quite hard. As someone who throughout the past year had failed to cry he was surprised at himself. He wondered what she, Lily, would think if she could see him now? Well I'm away from the Dark Arts he thought. She'd like that.

He shampooed his hair for the first time in a couple of weeks, washing the grease out under the water. He cleansed his face properly for once. Realising he was going to be supposed to be meeting people tomorrow he thought he better make an effort.

He finally stepped out of the bath, wrapping himself in a large towel. He looked down at the filthy water and carefully let the plug go. He dried his face, considering whether to shave or let his stubble grow. Deciding against the idea of a beard he stood and shaved in front of the mirror for a while, removing the foam with each swipe of the blade. He hated his face. Truly. He resembled his father a lot, but that wasn't what bothered him. People commented on how hideous he was. With his over sized nose and crooked teeth, he could hardly doubt why he'd never found love. The only thing he liked about his face was his eyes. He thought he had fairly regular eyes, at least no one had mentioned anything different.

He dried the rest of his body, pulled on a t shirt and boxers and climbed into his bed. Less than 24 hours ago he'd been fast asleep, almost coma like. How he regretted ever waking.

He eventually did wake up. He remembered going to his office and making some kind of concoction to help him sleep. Whatever it was, he'd got the ingredients wrong in his tired state. He'd clearly slept far too deeply and woken up covered in his own urine.

"Shit," he said loudly.

He began to make his way to the bathroom and realised that someone knocking on his door was what had actually woken him.

"For fuck's sake," he swore loudly again. "I'll just be a minute."

"Can I come in?" Minerva's voice came through the door.

"What? Oh yeah," he called back.

"What happened?" she asked looking from him to the bed.

"I was trying to drink my own urine and spilt it everywhere," he retorted sarcastically. "What does it look like?"

"Did you wet the bed?"

"No shit, Sherlock," he snapped.

"Well I can clean it up for you," she mutters a spell and waved her wand. "And drink this."

She handed him a steaming goblet.

"New pain relief just in from St Mungo's."

She told him as he sipped it gingerly.

"It's disgusting," he said as he swallowed the last few dregs.

"But a lot stronger than anything we have here," Minerva said. "Is your wand still missing?"

"Yep, not a clue where it is."

"Well we'll look for it later, get dressed, there's parent arriving that want to see you and some of them are muggles. So wear your muggle clothes please. Make them feel a little more comfortable."

She went to wait in the study. He opened his wardrobe and removed an old Abercrombie and Fitch hoodie, dark blue skinny jeans and started hunting in the bottom for his Adidas trainers.

He exited his room in full muggle garb.

"What are you wearing?" McGonagall asked him immediately.

"Muggle clothes?"

"You look ridiculous. Now come on."

"So don't ask me how I'm feeling," he said darkly.

"Yes sorry. How are you?"

"I'm in pain. I'm tired. I'm grouchy. And I want to be asleep."

"Well it sounds like you're determined to make today an excellent day," said Minerva drily.

He huffed and folded his arms. As he walked, he became more and more aware he didn't feel himself. Unsure if it was a combination of the sleeping potion and the pain relief, or just exhaustion, he realised he started to feel confused and frankly inappropriate.

"Oh gosh, Colin Creevey's parents are here," Minerva whispered as they neared the Entrance Hall. "They found his body Saturday night."

Severus was shocked. "I never know what to say in these things."

"Dressed like that I'd probably just say I'm sorry for your loss and move on."

Severus approached Colin's parents.

"Professor Snape," he held out his hand for Colin's wordless father to take.

"I'm sorry for your loss." Severus said sincerely. "Move on."

The words were out of his mouth before he could stop them. He didn't know what was wrong with him. Minerva practically shoved him over in her rush to take over from him. He almost wanted to laugh at himself but he had a feeling Colin's father might actually punch him in the face if he dared.

He felt like he was in a remarkably stupid and reckless mood. He glanced around snd then started to climb some of the rubble, positioning himself at the top. People were starting to look now, wondering what on earth the Headmaster was playing at.

"Get down," Professor Sprout hissed at him. "You're making a complete spectacle of yourself."

"I'm young..." he started singing to himself. "And I love to be young. And free. And I love to be free. To live my life the way I want..."

"You won't be free if you carry on like that," Sprout hissed at him. "Get down!"

He stood on the rubble. He could peer out of the doors from here and saw several people who used to be members of the ministry arriving.

"Oh look!" he called loudly. "The ministry are here to use their divine power to push back the rubble!"

And with that, he attempted to get down, fell, and blacked out.

Hope you enjoyed! Leave me a review, tell me what you think please!


	3. Why Having a Friend Might Matter

He lay in bed, flipping through the latest copy of the Daily Prophet. Skeeter had once again been busy documenting the war.  
SEVERUS SNAPE: WAR HERO CELEBRATED  
"Yesterday evening, Severus Snape made his first appearance to the world after his collapse in the Shrieking Shack. Snape,38, looked dishevelled and unkempt as he made his first appearance in the Great Hall, clearly proud of his achievements."  
Snape spat his orange juice out in disgust. He heard a knock at the door.  
"Enter," he called irritably.  
Harry Potter walked into his quarters.  
"Been a while since I've been down here," he commented.  
"Yeah I guess since all your detentions," Snape smirked.  
"And you ruined my final Quidditch season."  
"Yeah.." he said slowly.  
"I guess that wasn't to protect me," he glanced at him.  
"No, I guess that was my nasty streak," he muttered.  
"Can I talk to you about it?" he asked, awkwardly looking at Snape.  
"About what?" he felt uncomfortable.  
"Well, you know, about what happened with my dad," he mumbled.  
"Oh, yeah, I guess."  
"I felt awful after I saw it in the Pensieve, but you were so angry I didn't dare speak to you about it. But the thing is I know how that feels. It's horrible."  
"Well I did my fair share of horrible things too I guess," Snape muttered.  
"But I suppose it made me realise everything you'd always said about him was true," Harry was hardly looking at him.  
Deciding that he probably wanted comfort at this point, Snape tried to find something of solace to say.  
"Well, I guess he grew up. I didn't know him then, but he died trying to save you," he shrugged. "And your mother. I guess he was what they call a true Gryffindor. Rather like yourself I guess?"  
"Why are you being nice about him?"  
"Well, I'm guessing you don't want me to just turn round and go; your father was a c**t!" Snape suggested.  
Harry looked somewhat taken aback at the word he had just used.  
"I saw him the other night. And mum. And Sirius and Remus," Harry hadn't told anyone else this piece of information.  
"When your Horcrux was destroyed?"  
"No, with the resurrection stone."  
"Oh, okay. You know that you cannot reawaken the dead truly?" Snape looked at him, concerned.  
"I know," Harry said quietly. "My mum said something funny."  
"Funny, haha or funny weird?"  
"The last thing she said to me was 'always'," Harry glanced at him.  
"That's nice," Snape said, not twigging anything.  
"That's exactly the same thing I thought would be the last thing I would ever hear you say, in your memories," Harry explained.  
"So?" he said, trying to sound defiant but in reality his eyes were starting to fill with tears again.  
"It's curious, don't you think? I asked Professor Dumbledore about your patronuses too,"  
"Hmm," he said, his throat tightening.  
"Well he said he didn't think that was curious at all. My mum's didn't change to be like my dad's. So maybe she loved you at least platonically?"  
"I don't think so," his voice was cracking. "I think stag and doe are nicely matched."  
"I agree with that," he nodded. "But I do believe she had some feelings for you. I meant to ask her."  
"I don't think she did. But it's nice of you to say anyway," he added.  
"Have you seen the paper?" Harry said in a false brightness, noticing tears were starting to run down Severus' face.  
Severus ran his sleeve over his face, wiping his running nose as he went.  
"Yeah, I see Skeeter has been busy," he said. "I see I'm a hero now." He gave Harry a watery smile.  
"You are though," Harry said.  
"I'm really not," he mumbled. "I'm surprised you've been so forgiving to be honest."  
"I've been so angry with you all year," he admitted. "I'm surprised myself."  
"Well, I don't blame you if you want to be angry."  
"To be honest, when I saw the memories, I identified with you a lot myself. I think Dumbledore has controlled us both a lot."  
"I think controlled is probably a good word," Snape said bitterly. "But his plan worked. You're alive."  
"More to you or him?" Harry asked.  
"Well he planned it all. I just did stuff," Snape shrugged.  
"He planned everything for me too. Didn't make it right," he muttered. "Guess I thought a lot about both of you this last year."  
"Look, whatever Dumbledore was, he cared about you deeply. He might have done a lot for the greater good or whatever, but he did a lot for you too. Respect him for that," Snape told him.  
"I do, but you're clearly bitter about it too?"  
"I'm a bitter old man though. I hold a lot of grudges. They run deeply, that's who I am. You don't want to be like me," he looked at him seriously.  
"I think we're pretty similar actually," Harry stood up. "Thank you for talking to me. I'll let you rest for now."

Snape sat near the forest smoking, considering what Harry had said to him. Were they really that similar? Not really. Harry was a hero, had a bright future ahead of him, a lovely girlfriend and was probably going to have a few little Potters. He had nothing. No chance of anyone loving him, children. He was currently some sort of anti-hero but that wouldn't last. He would just be stuck teaching for the rest of his life, alone day after day.  
He pulled another cigarette out and lit it up, taking a long drag. He decided since he didn't seem to be wanted in the clear up operation he would go and look for his wand. He made his way slowly down to the Shrieking Shack. He leant towards the Whomping Willow, holding a large stick to poke the knot. He crept slowly down the tunnel to the Shrieking Shack. He saw the odd spot of dried blood which he guessed was his own as he made his way along the dusty passage.  
He carefully opened the door to the room he had collapsed in. There was blood spattered over the floor and he could see his vague outline on the grimy floor. He spotted his wand almost immediately. It was also splattered in blood. He picked it up off the floor. He decided he'd wash it when he got back to the castle and stowed it in his jeans' pocket.  
He wandered through to the kitchen of the house. He'd never really spent much time in the house and decided to explore the kitchen. Most of the cupboards were damaged, presumably where Lupin had attacked them many years previously. The majority of the cupboards were empty but he eventually found some old and dusty alcohol in one of the bottom cupboards. He guessed it belonged to the marauders but it didn't bother him and he opened a bottle anyway.  
He sat on some steps and took a swig from the bottle and burst into tears again. He could hear the sound of the castle being fixed in the back ground. No one had bothered to come and look for him after Harry had left. Clearly no one cared what he was up to or if he was okay. This was completely typical for him. No one was interested in what he was doing at any point. The person who cared the most about him was McGonagall but she was busy running the school for him.  
Oh yeah, the school. I'm supposed to be in charge of that mess. Difficult when 3/4 hated him and had absolutely not respect for him.  
The only other person who had really cared for him was long gone. And she hadn't cared for him by the end. She was probably only one of the two people he had ever cared for her. Lily and his mother. He thought he mother had loved him, but even then he had doubts.  
He drank the majority of the bottle in the end. He placed it down next to him, lying down to sleep.  
He awoke about 2 hours later by Minerva shaking his shoulder.  
"What's up?" he mumbled.  
"It's 9pm," she said. "How long have you been down here?"  
"I don't know," he hiccuped.  
"We've been worried about you," she rubbed his shoulder.  
"Clearly, that's how you found me so quickly!" he said sarcastically.  
"Why didn't you come up to the hall when you woke up?"  
"No one wants me," he sobbed.  
She placed her arms around his shoulder.  
"We all do, everyone wants to talk to you," she said gently.  
"Yeah for about five minutes!" he snapped. "Once they've managed to get a take on my feelings about Lily they're no longer interested!"  
"It's not that at all," she reassured him. "We're all very proud of you."  
"You know I'm not five?" he snapped again.  
"Look let's get you back to the castle, you're not nice when you're like this."  
"Im not nice!" he shouted standing up. "And I don't want to be! I just want to be me!"  
"You hated who you were before."  
"Well I hate it even more now! I was ready to die the other night!"  
"Right, I'm going back to the castle. Come if you want."  
"Fine," he snapped. "I'm coming. Do this Severus, do that. I thought I was supposed to be in charge?"  
"Well seeing as you've been drunk and asleep all afternoon, that's been difficult," she said coldly.  
He kicked a wall hard and stormed up the tunnel.

He headed down to the Great Hall the next morning, determined to be of some help today.  
He ignored Minerva's previous advice and shoved his hands in his jeans' pockets as he headed for the hall.  
"Morning, Severus," Professor Sprout said brightly.  
"Where should we start, sir?" Neville came over.  
"I don't know, what were you doing yesterday?"  
"We're just trying to sort the brickwork out," Minerva said. "What do you think?"  
"Yeah it's looking great!" he said snidely peering at the still crumbling Great Hall. "Practically brand new!"  
"Severus, it's not going to happen over night!"  
"And if Longbottom's helping it's not going to happen over year!" he sarcastically commented.  
Minerva gave him a very dirty look which he returned.  
"I thought you'd maybe turned over a new leaf," she said coldly.  
He looked at the floor and his cheeks coloured a little.  
"I'm sorry," he said, without looking at Neville.  
"It's okay, do you think maybe we could be on equal ground now?" Neville asked awkwardly.  
"Yes," Snape replied. "But you're much closer to it." He stood a little taller.  
Neville glanced at him.  
Snape grinned a little.

"Um, Severus, are you busy?"  
Minerva's voice reached him at the top of the pillar he was currently sat up.  
"No," he replied sarcastically.  
"Well, could you come down a minute," she called.  
Sighing loudly he started to wriggle down the pillar carefully, leaving the work he was fixing at the top.  
"What?" he wiped his hands down his jeans.  
"Your father wants to talk to you," she said quietly.  
"Well, I'll write him later," he said irritably.  
"No, he's um here," she looked awkwardly.  
"What?" he balked.  
"Yes, he'd heard you weren't well," she said quietly.  
"Well tell him I'm alright now and to leave," he hissed.  
"Just come out for a minute."  
He rubbed some dirt of his face.  
"When did you last see him?" Minerva asked as they left the hall.  
"About 3 years ago," he muttered. "He put washing up liquid in his dishwasher and I went round to fix it."  
"Why?"  
"Well he wouldn't stop coming over so yeah I just thought it would be easier."  
Minerva led him into a room just off the Entrance Hall. His father was sat waiting for him. He looked almost exactly like Snape, but with short, greyish hair, instead of Snape's jet black locks. Which weren't very greasy today.  
"Dad," he said staring at the floor.  
"Ah, Severus, I was told you were ill."  
"Yeah I got better," he said coldly.  
"That's a shame," his father replied. Minerva looked visibly shocked. She had never met Severus' father and had no idea of the way in which in spoke to his only son.  
"Yes, I guess you were hoping for the money."  
"My house needs a lot of repairs. I raised you since you were a baby and you have given nothing back."  
"Yeah you dragged me up well," he replied coldly.  
"You didn't deserve all you had," he snapped. "If it wasn't for your mother you'd have been long gone."  
"I know. You tell me every time you see me," Snape said through gritted teeth.  
"So have you had a girlfriend recently?"  
"No," he snapped. "And no you won't be getting any grandkids to look after you."  
"Grandchildren?" Tobias laughed. "You'd have to get someone to sleep with you first!"  
"Well they have," he sneered.  
"Did they know you were in there?" Tobias laughed at him.  
Severus turned away, eyes prickling.  
"Oh I thought you were many things, Severus," Tobias jeered. "I dint realise you were a pussy as well!"  
"How dare you speak to me like this? I've done a darn sight better than you!" Severus shouted.  
"I'm your father! I'll speak to you how I like! I hear you're a killer too?"  
"Well that was arranged it's a bit-"  
"Oh you are a little pussy!" Tobias sneered.  
"Well at least I'm not a wife beater!" he snapped.  
Tobias slapped him across the face causing Severus to fall abruptly sideways, weakened by his previous injuries.  
He was on his feet again within seconds, wand drawn, hand shaking.  
"Severus, no!" Minerva shouted. "Go!"  
Shaking he stormed out the room, slamming the door behind him.

Severus agreed to send the rest of the students back home.  
There was a weak May sun shining on Hogsmeade station as he stood waiting to say good bye to some of the students. He was back in his wizard wear, long black robes which he could tuck his hands in. He looked awkwardly around, feeling out of place. It was always Hagrid's role to take the students to the platform.  
A few of them had hugged him goodbye. The majority of them were on the train now.  
Eventually, the Golden Trio made their way over to him.  
"Thanks for the sword this year mate," Ron held his hand out for him to shake. Snape took it. "I'd have never found them again without you."  
"You're welcome," he said quickly.  
Harry gave him a tight embrace.  
"Hope we can meet again," he said sincerely. "And you know, thanks for saving my life."  
Snape smiled. "Any day, Harry," he used his first name for the first time.  
"I look forward to seeing you in September, sir," Hermione gave him a brief hug.  
"Look forward to it," he smiled again.

Thank you for reading! Hope you enjoyed!


	4. New on the Payroll

Hope you've enjoyed the chapters so far. I'm going to be introducing another character in this chapter (OC). Just a warning, this chapter involves sexual content.

"Students may bring if they desire, either an owl, a cat or a toad," McGonagall frowned at him. "You know you're not a student?"  
"Teachers can have pets too," Severus replied, holding his 10 week old kitten.  
It was September 1 and a sunny afternoon at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.  
"How much did that attack addle your brain?" Minerva said, exasperated by Severus' recent behaviour.  
"Anyway, I got him this summer," Severus ignored her.  
"What have you called him?"  
"Atticus," Severus replied.  
"Atticus?" Sprout repeated. "How middle class are you?"  
"It's a perfectly good name, I wanted a cat," Snape shrugged.  
"Just be grateful he didn't get a girl and call it Lily," Slughorn commented.  
"Or called Atticus Harry," Madam Pomfrey commented.  
"Lots of men have pets," Severus rolled his eyes.  
"Yes, like a big dog or something," Flitwick said drily. "Not a tiny kitten."  
"Well you're a man and you'd look ridiculous with a big dog," Snape said snidely. "Anyway, when's the new witch arriving?"  
"Rosie?" McGonagall asked. "She should be here any moment. And at the rate you're going, we'll book you in for the first appointment."  
Rosie Robinson had been appointed over the summer for the school as a residential psychologist in order to help students deal with the trauma of the war. Snape, as usual, had been cynical about the appointment. He had also been less than happy about his appointment as Deputy Headmaster, preferring to return to his role as Head of Slytherin.  
When Rosie did arrive, Severus was one of the last people to greet her. She was young, around mid 20s, with blond hair, bluish eyes and Severus noted almost immediately, extremely attractive. And an ex student.  
When she reached him, he politely held his hand out.  
"Do you remember Severus?" McGonagall asked, waving a hand at him.  
"Yes," she said. "He used to terrify me." She half laughed.  
"Yes, he probably will this year too," Minerva said under her breath.  
"Oh, is this your cat?" she said reaching out to let Atticus sniff her hand. "What's he called?"  
"Yeah, he's called Atticus."  
Rosie looked a little taken aback. "That's different."  
"Yes, I thought so," he nodded.  
-

Severus was deliberately, and potentially noticeably, helping Rosie settle into her new role at Hogwarts. Not that he was making any particular effort but he was no longer spending breaks and lunches hauled up in his office, instead choosing to spend the time in the staff room talking to Rosie about various inane topics such as the weather and her views on the new ministry. Snape failed to hide his distaste at their lack of help with the castle. Minerva never failed to remind him that his comments upon their arrival at the school had been non too helpful.

Of course being in the staffroom was all well and good but he was becoming increasingly desperate to spend some time on his own with Rosie which he had thus far failed to achieve. He was certain anything that what he was feeling for her was on a purely physical level and he didn't have any emotional attachment. After all that belonged to Lily. He reasoned with himself frequently that it had been a while since the school had had a young, female member of staff and it was actually just lust that he was feeling.

He finally seized his opportunity to get her alone one Tuesday afternoon. Lessons were finished and they were in the staffroom. Rosie had casually announced that she needed to go into Hogsmeade to buy something.

"Can I come with you?" the words had left his mouth before he had really registered them.

"Yeah, sure," a slight blush crept into her cheeks.

He could feel most of the staffroom looking at him, but deciding he didn't care, followed her out.

"So where do you need to go?" he asked conversationally.

"Just a couple of shops get some stationery and what not. We could go for a coffee after if you like?"

"Yeah sounds nice," he tried to sound non committal.

"So," she started calmly. "How are you finding the new school year?"

"Weird," he told her truthfully. "Everyone has this perception of me that I'm some sort of hero, but I'm not. I'm just an ex Death Eater, that's all. Nothing exciting."

"Oh I think you're more than that. You're not what I was expecting though."

"Why, what were you expecting?"

"Dark, brooding and cynical."

"Oh I am," he replied. "Often all three. At the same time. But I suppose I'm trying to make the best of things at the moment."

"You seem very cheerful most of the time," she looked sideways at him.

"As I say, making the best of things," he shrugged.

She started to walk in the direction of the Forrest, rather than the school's main gates.

"Um, you know you're going the wrong way?" he asked uncertainly.

"I know," she replied.

He followed her down to the Forrest and they started to move between the trees. Eventually the reached a small clearing.

"I used to spend a lot of time here with a couple of friends at school," she told him.

"Okay," he replied, confused.

"So show me then?"

"Show you what?" he asked looking bewildered.

"Show us what the Dark Mark is like now. There's all these stories about Death Eaters' arms shrivelling up. Is it true?"

He wasn't sure if she was teasing him or not.

"It's not-" he began.

"Are you shy?" there was a twinkle in her eye now.

"No, more ashamed. But that's not the point."

"What's the point?" she asked him.

"I just think- why do you want to see it?" he asked.

"Well you've told me a lot about you the last couple of weeks. You've not mentioned anything about the Death Eaters."

"Because-"

"You're ashamed. Yes you've said. And you should be. But it's still interesting."

He sighed loudly and pulled up the sleeve to his robes. Shrivelled up was probably too strong. But the mangled mess of scar tissue with the Mark still burnt into it was hardly pretty to look at. He didn't even really know why he was showing her or why she was asking.

She gently touched his arm. He flinched.

"Does it hurt?" she asked.

"No."

"I've noticed a couple of people have tried to touch you the last couple of weeks. Just to hug you or pat you on the back. You don't like being touched do you?"

"I don't mind," he shrugged. "I'm just not used to it."

She reached out and gently stroked his right cheek. "Do you mind that?" she asked him.

"No," his throat was slightly constricted.

She gently placed her other hand on his left cheek and moved her face closer to his. Her lips met his. They felt soft and warm. Not really conscious of what he was doing he kissed her back.

"Was that okay?" she asked him carefully as she broke away.

"What? Oh yeah," he stumbled over his words.

"Have you kissed a girl before?" she asked, gazing into his eyes.

"Yes, obviously," he replied.

"Lily Potter?"

"Er no. Just girls," he shrugged.

"Can you remember their names?" she was teasing him again.

"Some of them."

She half laughed.

"Is that bad?" he asked nervously.

"Yes, but I suppose it makes you a typical man."

"Why, can you remember everyone you kissed?" he asked indignantly.

"Of course!"

"Oh well, I guess mine was more sleeping around."

She raised her eyebrows.

"Have you ever slept with one of your students?" she seemed to enjoy making him talk about things that made him squirm. She'd never done this in front of anyone else.

"Uh, no," he told her honestly.

"Have you ever kissed one?"

"Yes, but not intentionally. Very long time ago. I was a lot younger. I didn't do anything wrong. They came onto me, it's not... Weird."

"Well technically you should make it two now, seeing as I'm one of your students."

"Ex-student," he corrected her. "So this is okay."

"Oh are you enjoying this?"

"Why? Are you not?"

"Of course I am," she placed her lips over his again. She was kissing him a little deeper now, pushing her body against his, making him back up into a nearby tree. He kissed her back quite forcefully. She writhed her body against his.

He could feel his physical response starting to rise. He tried to angle his hips away from her, determined that she wouldn't feel it. It had been a long time since he had been in a situation like this and his body knew it. He was finding it difficult to keep his erection from touching her. What was his body thinking? That she was going to let him take her up against a tree right there?

He tried to focus on just kissing her and enjoying it. Ignoring what he was feeling. She had hold of his robes and was pulling him closer.

They eventually broke away.

"You're a good kisser," she told him quietly.

"You too," his face was flushed from their make out session and he felt slightly breathless.

"Come on," she said, rapidly changing the subject. "We should get to Hogsmeade or people will talk."

He was still feeling a little confused later that evening when he went up to McGonagall's office to discuss the start of term.

"Anyway, how was Hogsmeade?" she asked him when he's finished moaning about some of the students he had to teach.

"Yeah it was fine," he nodded.

"And?" Why did women keep talking to him in codes. What were they expecting out of him?

"And what?"

"And how was Rosie?"

"She was fine. Little odd. She kissed me."

"What?" Minerva looked generally surprised.

"I said it was a little odd."

"I thought she was maybe interested in the Death Eaters or something and that's why she kept asking me about you. I didn't think that."

"Yeah she did ask about that at first, but then. I don't know it just happened."

"Well, do you think you'll see her again?" she asked.

"I'll have to, we work in the same building."

"Well do you like her?"

"Only in so far as I want to fuck her."

"Severus, that's disgusting," she reprimanded him.

"Yeah I know. I'm just so desperate. I thought I'd grow out of it."

"Yes, well can't you masturbate or something?"

"I can but its not the same," it was strange, McGonagall was the only person he'd ever felt comfortable talking about things like this to. Even Dumbledore had made him feel awkward.

"Well, anyway, your urges aside. I think it would be nice for you to think about having a girlfriend. You've been a lot nicer lately. Maybe you should spend more time with her?"

"I don't want a girlfriend. I just want to sleep with someone," he shrugged.

"I think she's a nice girl. Don't throw her away by doing something stupid like that. You're 38, she's probably going to expect some element of seriousness from you. You're not 15 anymore. Although your recent behaviour..."

"Oh she won't want to go out with me," he told her seriously. "I mean she's miles above me. She could do a lot better than me."

"Maybe she's not just basing it on looks."

"Wouldn't matter what she's basing it on. However you look at it, she's better than me."

-  
He was sat in the Three Broomsticks with Slughorn, sipping a butterbeer.  
"So, do you like her?" Slughorn asked.  
"I don't know who you're talking about," Snape replied. This might me a conversation he'd have freely with Minerva, but honestly, he didn't know Slughorn all that well.  
"O-Ho I think you do. I mean Rosie," Slughorn looked at him pointedly.  
"She's very nice, I get on with her well," he shrugged.  
"Well she certainly seems to like you," Slughorn commented. "And a muggle born witch."  
"Is that a problem?" Snape replied snippily.  
"Of course not, I'm not prejudiced at all," Slughorn replied. "Are you sure you're not?"  
"I'm not prejudiced," Snape said quickly. "I've learnt a lot about, you know, that."  
"Good, you could maybe help us Slytherins get more of a positive reputation," Slughorn said seriously.  
"Rosie's a Gryffindor," Snape told him. "Don't know if I'd like that."  
"Lovely Lily was a Gryffindor too," Slughorn replied.  
"Yes, so?" Severus replied.  
"Well do you think anything is going to happen? Just between you and me?" Slughorn asked.  
"You're going to have to buy me a lot more drinks before anything happens between me and you," Snape commented idly.

"Does Rosie like your sense of humour?" Slughorn asked ignoring Severus' comment.

"Everyone likes my sense of humour," Severus replied, dodging a personal question again.

"You're very different now," Slughorn commented. "It's nice to see you out of yourself. You've always been very withdrawn."

"I'm not really like this," Snape shrugged. "Just trying to be more likeable."

"Why now though suddenly?" Slughorn asked curiously.

"Well, seeing as I lost all my friends last year I want to make a better impression this," Severus said. "It's horrible, walking into a room and everyone stops talking and you know they were talking about you."

"Well you have to understand-" Slughorn began.

"I'm not blaming anyone," Snape said seriously. "I'm just saying, I don't want that anymore."

While he'd continued to speak to Rosie in the staff room with everyone around, he'd not yet had another opportunity to get her alone. That opportunity finally presented itself late Monday night.

He was marking another set of papers and near everyone had gone to bed. Rosie was left, reading a book.

"So, did you not enjoy our jaunt to the forest?" she asked him, moments after Flitwick had left the room.

"Of course I did," he said quickly. "Why?"

"You've not made much of an effort since."

"I'm sorry," he said immediately. "I just, I don't know, I feel like you're too good for me." He told the piece of parchment in front of him.

"Too good for you to what?" she asked him.

"I don't know, ask on a date or something?" he replied, twirling the quill between his fingers.

"I'd like to go on a date with you," she said quietly.

"Okay," he said. "Well I could take you to somewhere in Hogsmeade. Go for dinner in the Three Broomsticks or something?"

"That would be lovely. I have to go to bed," she stood up. "You should too."

She came by him as she left and gently pecked him on the lips.

He sat for a while after she left touching his mouth. Maybe Minerva was right. Maybe he should try dating her? If it went well she might sleep with him anyway. No. Said a small voice in his head. It's wrong. You're broken and damaged. You've done horrible things. You've killed someone. She's too good. Too innocent. She doesn't deserve to have your mess in her life.

Regardless of how he felt, he had agreed to take her out and he wasn't going to stand her up. He took her to the Three Broomsticks as promised and they finally got more time to talk.

"So how did you qualify as a psychologist?" he asked, genuinely curious.

"I went to a muggle university when I finished at Hogwarts. My parents always wanted me to go to university."

He nodded. "And you worked as a muggle psychiatrist?"

She nodded. "Until last year of course, when I was on the run."

"I didn't think of that," he said quietly.

"So what about you?" she asked.

"Nothing exciting. Death Eater for about two years then I've taught ever since."

"I suppose the last few years have been hard for you too?"

"The hardest thing was being a killer. That destroyed me. I mean I've never been much but that was just, painful. Then I had no one last year. Everyone thought I one of them at school. I heard them talk about me. And I don't think what any of them said was untrue. I'm not a good person," he muttered.

"You're really selling yourself," she said, clearly trying to lighten the mood.

"Yeah sorry," he said quickly. "Tell me something else about you. That's probably less depressing." They both laughed a little.

Rosie did tell him a lot about her. He told her some select highlights. He spoke about his spell inventions, carefully glossing over Sectumsempra. He told her about Hogwarts when he'd been at school. Eventually, he walked her back to the castle. They stopped in the grounds, found a nice secluded spot, and sat on the bank.

She kissed him again. He was running his hands through her hair this time, more involved than he had been last time. He felt awful but he was secretly hoping to sleep with her that night. Then he imagined McGonagall's response and rapidly thought of something else.

Only she was touching him. Running her hands down his chest. He knew he should stop her. It was wrong. Except he couldn't bring himself to. Her hand was moving down lower. She eventually had it over his flies. She was cupping him gently through his trousers and his cock was getting hard. He mumbled something about stopping but she didn't seem to be listening. She was starting to grip and squeeze his erection and he was unconsciously moving in her grasp.

He didn't really know if she wanted him to touch her or not. So he tried to keep his hands to himself. He was finding it hard though to control anything and he was slowly going to pieces as she continued her ministrations. He didn't know how long she massaged and rubbed his erection for bug he eventually felt himself lose control and cum inside his boxers. The hot liquid was soaking through his pants to his trousers.

"You're all damp," she commented.

"That's normal," he replied. Shit, he wasn't going to try and take her virginity was he? Now that was too wrong for even him to contend.

He didn't know how long he lay next to her in his sticky pants but he enjoyed watching the stars with her.


	5. Not Always Your First

Thank you to those of you who have favourited and followed. It is much appreciated.

If you don't like, don't read!

Just as a warning, this chapter contain adult content and scenes of a sexual nature.

He somehow managed to get a second date with her. Admittedly, Severus hadn't asked Rosie out on this date. She'd simply approached him in the dungeon corridor.  
She had taken hold of both his hands and stood on tip toes to get a better look into his eyes.  
"So, where are we going next?" she grinned.  
"You want to go out with me again?" he couldn't hide the surprise from his voice.  
"Yes, I had a wonderful time," she said. "Didn't you enjoy it?"  
"Yes of course I did, but I never expected a girl to you know, want to see me again. I normally have sex and never see girls again. They don't tend to come back."  
"Well I haven't tried your sex yet." she laughed.  
His face was flushing and he double checked no students were around.  
"So where are you taking me?" she asked.  
"I don't mind, I could take you to London. We could go somewhere nice."  
"Oh I like it. Little apparition trip with the Potions Master," she grinned.  
"Well I don't teach that anymore."  
"Well you did when you taught me," she smirked.  
"And that doesn't make me feel creepy at all!"  
"I reckon you're alright, I'm 27 now!" she replied.

Lessons weren't that bad the next day. He had a group of giggly fifth years to deal with but he knew he could deal with them fairly quickly.  
He was busy projecting a case study he wanted them to look at about possession. He stood explaining the task to the group, ignoring a chattering Elsa Prewett. He let her continue to talk to her friends while he gave instructions.  
"So, Miss Prewett," he said coldly. "Can you tell me what we are doing today?"  
She looked awkwardly at him.  
"As fascinating as I'm sure your personal life is, Miss Prewett, I'm afraid it is of no concern to me, so I suggest you finish your conversation now or I shall have you removed from this lesson," he continued icily. A couple of people around her balked. She turned bright red. The lesson continued, as he had hoped, in a stony silence.

Madam Pomfrey caught him towards the end of the day to quiz him, as he suspected she might, on Rosie.  
"It's so sweet," Poppy commented. "I never thought I'd see you with a girlfriend."  
"She's not my girlfriend," he insisted.  
"You should tell her! And while you're at it, send yourself an owl!"  
"I've kissed her once, not the time to start asking her out," he replied calmly.  
"Oo you kissed? How was it?" Poppy asked him.  
"It was fine. I enjoyed it," he said, a hint of irritation in his voice.  
"Have you slept with her?"  
He never expected the question to come out of Poppy in all the years he had known her.  
"No, and I really don't think that's anyone's business except mine and hers," he said, turning redder.  
"Sorry, I didn't mean to embarrass you," she said, sounding sincere.

As he had agreed, he and Rosie had apparated down to London. They had spent the evening in the shops on Oxford Street. He had felt oddly comfortable holding her hand as they had walked around the shops. She hadn't really bought anything and he didn't have any particular interest in Muggle shops, but they had still enjoyed their time together, wandering around and joking about various items for sale.  
Rosie now seemed keen on taking him in Ann Summers. Whilst Severus had never heard of previous shops such as Next and Topshop, he was completely clear on what this shop sold.  
"Here?" he asked her, his voice slightly hollow.  
"Come on, it will be a laugh," she smirked.  
"Hmm.." he muttered, not convinced but following her in anyway. It was a mark of how much he liked her that he was willing to follow her into this shop.  
To his horror, she led him past the lingerie and to the back section. He kept his hands firmly in his pockets, which earned a somewhat sympathetic smile from one of the shop assistants.  
"I have no idea what most of this stuff does," he told Rosie honestly.  
"Aw you're so innocent," she teased him.  
"What do you want in here anyway?" he asked, as a shop assistant seemed to be approaching them.  
"Oh nothing," she said lightly. "Was just curious whether or not you'd come in."  
"Okay, well you've found out, so can we go?" he asked.  
Much to his horror, before she answered, the shop assistant had approached them and was busy telling them about a new product they could both enjoy.  
"So are you looking to spice up the marriage?" she asked them.  
"We're not married," he said quickly.  
"Oh, so how long have you been together?" she asked them conversationally, as if she wasn't holding some vibrating product that Severus was fairly confident he would not be comfortable with anywhere near his genitals.  
"We're not together either," he added.  
"Oh I see," she winked at them. "So are you friends with-"  
"We're not that either," he said abruptly. And wheeling Rosie round he half dragged her out of the shop.  
"So that's your comfort zone?" she laughed as they left the shop.  
"Why are you testing me?" he asked awkwardly.  
"I'm a psychoanalyst, it's what we do," she laughed again.  
"Well, now you know, I'm not comfortable with that," he said quickly.  
"Aw I'm sorry," she took his hand again. "Did your parents talk to you about sex?"  
"Jesus," he exclaimed. "Are you allowed to ask your clients that?"  
"Of course," she said, twirling her fingers between his. "And you're not a client, you're just interesting."  
"Yes..." he said slowly. "So where do you want to eat?"  
"Have you ever been to Pizza Express?"  
"No, but if it makes me feel less uncomfortable than Ann Summers I'm happy to go there," he commented drily.

They spent around two hours in the restaurant. Neither of them drank, knowing they would be up the next morning to work, but they were enjoying the food.  
She was watching him quite carefully.  
"So, how are you settling into Hogwarts?" he asked, taking a sip of his Coke.  
"It's good, you've actually been very good. You're the person I was most concerned about working with," she told him.  
"Oh, why?" he asked, frowning.  
"Well you've clearly got a bit of a reputation. You were quite horrible to our class when I was a student."  
"Remind me who was in your class?" he furrowed his brow.  
"Well, you particularly disliked Gerren Dawson."  
"The boy was a disaster," Snape replied immediately. "He went through more cauldrons than anyone I've ever taught. Except maybe Longbottom." He added darkly.  
"You're a bit of a bully sometimes," she replied.  
"Well I can try harder not to be, I suppose," he muttered non-commitally.  
"So, what was your upbringing like?" she asked.  
"Now I know this is psychology," he said immediately.  
"Oh I'm impressed, how?"  
"I read," he replied, acting as nonchalant as possible. Not wanting to mention the fact he'd spent the last couple of weeks trying to find out more about her profession. "Can I ask you something?"  
"Of course," she replied.  
"Why are you using your psycho-babble on me?" he asked.  
"Well you're clearly a little broken, I was hoping I could fix you," she said, with a slight smile.  
"Hmm, good luck with that," he said sarcastically.

"So, how are you enjoying being headmistress?" he asked McGonagall a week into October.  
"Well obviously there's a lot of pressure," she said referring to the stress of getting the castle completely fixed.  
"Well you're doing a better job than I did already," he flashed her one of his rare, genuine smiles.  
"I don't know why you think you did such a bad job, the school ran like clockwork."  
"And the fact that the students lived in fear and were frequently beaten was absolutely fine too," he said sarcastically.  
"Well you didn't instigate that yourself, and you tried to stop it," she said sincerely.  
"I feel most of the parents of those kids feel that way too!" he continued in the same sarcastic tone.  
"Well you're making changes now and that's what matters."  
"Hmm," he said in a non committal way.  
"Well, I'm enjoying having you as my deputy. You're very funny now you're back on form. Would help if you did some of the work too!" she teased him very gently.  
"I'm tired. Everything hurts," he said honestly.  
"Plus you have a girlfriend," her eyes sparkled.  
"I don't, everyone keeps saying that," he said awkwardly.  
"Have you slept with her yet?" Why did people keep asking him that question? He spun round to see Professor Dumbledore was awake.  
"No, I-"  
"Well you have functioning genitals so you must want to?" Dumbledore asked him.  
"I-" Severus stammered.  
"Are you a virgin?"  
"What? No!" he said vehemently. "No, I've slept around. I'd had sex when I was 17."  
"With whom?" Dumbledore replied immediately.  
"It's none of your business," Snape's voice was getting colder now and his expression was no longer mildly amused.  
"Drop it, Albus," Minerva said quickly.  
Minerva was perhaps just as conscious than even Severus how much anger he had at Dumbledore. How much Severus was not going to let him push him around anymore.  
Snape stood up abruptly adjusting the front of his robes.  
"I'm going to bed," he muttered. As he left the room he heard hushed voices, which he knew were talking about him.

He pulled off his clothes and slipped into his pyjamas once down in his room. Pulling back the bed clothes he climbed slowly into bed. He still felt angry. He was aware his heart was beating a little faster and his body was tense. He stared up into the darkness. He was still really angry with Dumbledore, he knew he was. He'd barely spoken to the man since the end of the war, and very few pleasantries had been exchanged. He was furious with the way he had treated him and the way he had treated Harry Potter too. The way he had fed them only what they needed to know as they stumbled blindly towards the end. But something made him control his anger a little, Dumbledore had succeeded. He'd rid the world of Voldemort and slowly, the wizarding community was rebuilding itself.  
But he hated the person he had become. He'd never much liked himself but the last couple of years had been terrible. As he'd become a killer, all the hate he'd had for himself had burst towards the surface. He'd had little time to dwell on this at the time either, what with hiding the Malfoy boy that night, before returning him to his parents almost a week later. Lucius had raged at him, Narcissa calm and collected.  
And weeks later, everyone at the school, all those who had trusted him, who he had been friends with for years, showed him immense dislike. Conversations would stop as soon as he entered a room. He was lucky if he could get acknowledgement out of most of them.  
Minerva had spoken to him on a couple of occasions. Asked if he was alright. He'd nearly told her then but kept his mouth shut. He hadn't been alright of course, but he wasn't allowed to tell people this. Had to pretend, on his orders for years, that everything was fine. Not that he was intent on destroying himself every waking minute.  
Of course he had an intense anger for Dumbledore, but he also had an intent dislike for himself. More so that in all the other years he disliked himself. Right now, he was pretending everything was okay. People seemed to be buying it. Except maybe Rosie, the cracks were clearly starting to show for her.

They were down in his study with a couple of wine glasses in front of them. Whilst it wasn't officially a date, he was enjoying spending time just him and Rosie.  
"You've got a lot of jars down here," she commented, looking around the room.  
"I like making stuff," he smiled. "Keeps me entertained."  
She was staring into his face.  
"I can never tell what you're thinking," she said, taking his hand.  
"You don't want to, there's some weird and fucked up stuff going on in there," he half joked, although it wasn't as untrue as he would have liked.  
She stroked his cheek. He had soft stubble on his thin cheeks. Was this actually going to happen tonight? He couldn't let this happen. She placed a gentle kiss on his lips and then pulled back.  
Maybe not, he thought. Alcohol is making your imagination somewhat overactive.  
"So when are you going to make the move, Mr Bad Guy?" she smirked at him.  
"I'm not," Severus said seriously. "You're a good person, you're lovely. I'm ten years older than you, damaged and just not a nice person."  
"You keep saying that, but I have no evidence of this," her hand was on his leg.  
"I've killed people," Snape stood up abruptly. "What else do I have to do?"  
"Yes, I know that, but you're not going to kill me," she said, pushing him back down.  
She placed a hand on the inside of his leg.  
"Yes, your parents are going to be thrilled when you bring home a killer," he muttered.  
"Can you not talk about my parents while I'm this close to your cock?" She teased him. "And besides they're muggle born, they don't know that much about it."  
"You've clearly mentioned me!" he replied, ignoring her request.  
She moved her hand and cupped him through his trousers.  
He let out a strangled noise from his throat.  
"When did you last have sex?" she teased him.  
"This is what I mean, girls don't like me. They don't have sex with me," he muttered.  
"So how long?" she pressed him.  
"I don't know, about four years," he felt very uncomfortable. His body was getting very excited but his brain was warning him against this.  
"Aw that's cute! You're going to lose control very quickly!" she was grinning at him. "Second time will be better." She was clearly only teasing him but it made him feel very awkward.  
"So how many people have you slept with?" she asked, back to stroking the inside of his leg.  
"I don't know, about 15," he lied. He'd at least doubled the actual figure.  
"So some women clearly like you," she replied.  
"No, I've never slept with anyone I like before. But sometimes it's just nice to have a mutual release," he felt strange talking about this aspect of his private life. Stranger still was the number of times he'd actually discussed it lately, something he'd kept fiercely private up until this point.  
"Yeah in your role being sexually frustrated must have been far too much," she was smirking at him. "So have you made these girls cum?"  
His face was flushing furiously. "Yes," he said truthfully.  
"Oh good, my last boyfriend never managed it," she smirked.  
"I'm not going to sleep with you," he said standing up very abruptly. "I'm not- you're too- I like you- but you don't want- it'll be weird because-"  
She pushed him back down and held his hands just above his throbbing crotch. Clearly a mixture of temper and arousal was not working out for his cock.  
"Look," Rosie said gently peering into his eyes. "You clearly think you're absolutely worthless and it doesn't take a psychiatrist to tell that."  
"Right, thanks," he muttered.  
"But you're not. You're special. I really like you," she held his hands a little tighter.  
"Thanks. I like you too. I guess that's why I'm a little scared," he admitted.  
"Why?"  
"Because I don't want to hurt you. I don't want to do anything horrible. I've always hurt people I really like," he explained.  
"You're not going to do that this time," she rubbed her thumbs against his hands. "Come here."  
She leant in and kissed him gently on the lips. He knew he should resist, he couldn't risk hurting her too. But he couldn't stop himself from kissing her back.  
She gently cupped his cheeks, pulling him closer.  
He broke away. "We can't do this. You don't want this."  
"Yes I do, and you do too," she rested her head against his. "Can we go to your room?"  
"I don't want to hurt you," he repeated.  
She grabbed him roughly by the top he was wearing and half dragged him to his bedroom.  
She lay on his bed. He could feel his physical response starting to rise again and all concerns thrown aside, he roughly clambered onto her and began kissing her again. She ran her hands through his hair. One of his hands was running down her body, reaching up her shirt. He cupped her lace covered breast in his hand, squeezing gently.  
She was kissing down his neck, carefully avoiding the scars on the left hand side. she nipped at the right side of his neck. He moaned gently, running his hands back down her body and starting to unfasten her jeans.  
Severus slipped his hand into her jeans, reaching into her underwear and finding her mound. He carefully parted the skin, reaching her clitoris and starting to squeeze and rub her.  
"Ahh, Severus..." She moaned into his neck. He kissed her, nipping her lips as she threw her head back and moaned.

She reached for his cock.

"Ah, fuck, no, not yet," he moaned. He really didn't want to lose control right there and then.

"Come on," she urged him.

He unbuckled his jeans and slipped them down, pulling down his boxers too. He reached over to his night stand and pulled out a condom which he rolled over his erect member.

"Are you sure you want to do this?" he asked.

"Yes," she replied throatily.

He eased her jeans and panties down and carefully lined himself up with her entrance. He pushed himself in through her slick folds. She gasped a little as he fully entered.

"Come on," she groaned again. He carefully started to move within her, slowly at first but beginning to quicken his pace. She moaned with his thrusts.

"Oh Severus, you feel so good..."

He moved faster, pushing deeper within her.

"Oh, God," he moaned.

"Severus, Severus, yes..."

He pushed his thumb over her clit and gently massaged it.

"Severus, oh, I think I'm going to... Oh, oh, oh..." Her body was shaking underneath him as she lost control. She was panting as he continued to thrust deep inside her. As her orgasm left her, he felt his building. He balls started to contract and his cock twitched as he emptied his load deep inside her.

He abruptly stood up as soon as he was done, rolling the condom off and pulling his boxers up.

"Rosie, I'm so sorry, I-"

"Come here," she indicated he should lie beside her.

"I've only ever slept with two guys before you and I really liked both of them. I wouldn't have slept with you if I didn't like you," she said quietly.

"I really like you too; that's why I'm scared," he replied, equally quietly.

"Listen, Severus, I like you for who you are and I really want to be with you," she gazed into his eyes. "Can we please at least try it?"

He stared at her. "I'd like that. But if I hurt you, please tell me?"

"Of course I will." She stroked his face. "You know when you came?"

"Mm?"

"That's the first time I could actually tell what you were thinking. Read your thoughts. Lucky you didn't do that in front of Voldemort," she half laughed.

"Well, thanks for that," he actually laughed at that one.


End file.
